If I could count the times I’ve been asked this question (or a form of it), it would probably take me days to list and number them all. Well-meaning people and friends I consider very dear, and also plenty of those who are being polite and well-mannered and as a topic of conversation.
Those who know me just a little bit, would say I’m quiet. Those who know me REALLY well, will readily tell you that I have my moods. Place a hidden camera in my house and you would soon see the crazy side of me that only comes out at certain times. (I haven’t even figured it all out myself yet 😉 ) But ask pretty much any of these people and they will tell you that I can’t express myself through speaking. Speaking my words, they all funny go. 🙂 They say I’m like my dad….short and snappy….which is true. Why waste time talking and conversing when you have other work that needs to be done, and other places that need to be gone to?
So, in response to those questions, here’s my answer:
“I’m ok………but how do I explain the fear that is always at the back of my mind. What if this happens again?….around a bunch of people this time? What if I do something that triggers a reaction?”
“I’m ok……but how do I tell them that there is so much unknown in my life right now…and I hate the unknown…I live to know things. My family will testify to that, and not knowing scares me.”
“I’m ok…..but deep down, it hurts. It hurts to see everyone else living a normal life when I have these concerns and health issues that there seem to be no “REAL” answers for.”
“I”m ok…….but nights are the worst. I lie awake determined that it won’t happen again, and sleep will at times evade me for hours.”
“I’m ok……..but in all honesty, it tears my heartstrings to see tears form in my parents eyes, or hear the sound of a quavering voice, as you see how much this is affecting them as well, and they seem to be taking it harder than you.”
“I’m ok…….but it feels like all I’m doing is climbing into a deeper, and darker valley. I wish with all my heart that I could experience a mountain-top experience for awhile.”
“I’m ok……..but really, I hate all these Dr. appointments and if I wouldn’t ever have to take another one of those bitter beta-blockers, it couldn’t be soon enough!”
“I’m ok………and truly, living one day at a time has been absolutely so good for me. Don’t ask me to explain it to you….it just has.”
“I’m ok…..but to tell you the truth, I miss all the ‘normal-ness’ I used to have. Getting used to a new normal is hard, but oh, so necessary in order to live a successful and satisfying life.”
“I’m ok…….but sometimes, the pain is real. Sometimes the pain is great. Sometimes the tears overflow and the pillow is no longer dry. Sometimes all the hurts boil together and overflow.”
“I’m ok……yes, I’m listening to the Dr. (mostly) and yes, I have done tests. Yes, they think they know what it is, and no, it still not always the easiest.”
“I’m ok…..but sometimes it feels like I’m not making enough of a difference. I should be out in the foreign fields helping orphan kids and here I am, still in my comfy American home, living with my parents, and doing my job. I haven’t even been able to write in here for a while because it seemed nothing convicting or exciting was happening”
“I’m ok…….life isn’t always easy, but I’m thankful for friends and family like you who care enough to ask. Please don’t stop asking, but please don’t be offended if I offer a simple answer. Maybe the answer won’t even make sense, because in my head it doesn’t make sense either. Also, be prepared…you may get way more information than you bargained for, depending on my mood! Like I said, I haven’t even figured it all out yet :)”
“I’m ok……but honestly, it’s hard to trust sometimes. I know deep in my heart that God still cares and knows all, and yet, when you’re in the hard spot, it’s tough to keep telling yourself that. I’m oh, so thankful for the teaching and upbringing that I’ve had to build that foundation. Even, if the foundation seems shaky, I haven’t been let go of yet, and I trust God for that!”
“I’m ok…….but I still desperately need your prayers. Prayers for healing, and prayers for grace. God knows, God cares, and so do my friends and family….I know. It’s just tough. It’s hard. You get the picture. 🙂
Well, folks, there you have it. The raw, (mostly)unfiltered thoughts of me. I’m having 2nd thoughts about posting this all, as it really bares my soul for all to see. I think I will anyway. Fingers crossed, I’m not the only one who’s ever felt at least some of these!
p.s.—any ideas of blog posts you’d like to see/hear about? I’ve had severe writer’s block lately, and nothing seems to ‘flow’ anymore when I try to write. hmmm