Well, it’s been a year. No, I’m not several weeks behind. I know it’s already almost Jan. 31. The year that I’m talking about is that fateful day when I was freezing cold in the back of the squad with needles being jabbed in me left and right, (or mainly just left, I don’t really know), and the kind Medic apologizing profusely because she couldn’t get the IV started.
It’s been a long year, and I was so glad to see 2016 leave. From what I’ve been hearing and seeing, it’s been a tough year for a lot of people. This year, looking on it from the human side of things, treated me rottenly. This year, looking on it from God’s point of view, treated me roughly, but for a purpose.
Had I known how many needles would be stuck in me this year, I would’ve probably cringed. I’ve discovered my veins are hard to reach, most people it takes several tries to get it in. I also bruise easy, so most every little poke through the skin left a gentle black and blue mark. Had I known this, I would’ve cowered. I never knew whether I was scared of needles or not, I just kinda stealthily avoided them. (at least for the first 20 years of my life) Now I know…. they don’t really scare me, I just don’t LOVE them, yet. How do needles fit into my life picture?
Had I known that one day, I would be admitted to the hospital with 20-some cords?? (don’t remember how many, but it was ALOT!) stuck on my head with a gritty sandpaper-like paste, strapped to the table and then given some pills that made my heart feel like a racing train, causing me to pass out (determined as I was not to), I probably would’ve ran. (run-on sentence, much?) Maybe if I just throw this uncomfortable piece away, my life can get back to normal???
Had I known that Grandma would pass away in Dec., I would’ve spent more time with her, sharing stories, and listening to her experiences. I still find myself missing her. I know if I’d tell her about my new job, she’d be happy for me (in a cautious, grandmotherly sort of way) 🙂 Hmmm, this piece seems so jagged. Maybe I need to shave some corners off, to make it fit just a little smoother.
Had I known that on the week of my 21st birthday, I would be making the extremely hard decision of whether I should really be teaching again with all that’s going on, or if I should just give it up……I maybe would’ve tried to stay 20 forever. Down in my heart, I knew what the answer was, but it was hard to say it out loud. God, where in the world does this piece go?
Had I known the extreme weird things my body would be doing, flashes of light, vision loss, seizure activity, extreme dizziness (I now believe it was vertigo), weak sensations where your hands and legs just don’t seem to be doing what they are supposed to, migraine headaches, brain fog (extreme in some cases), exhaustion, nights of unrest because “what if it happens again?”, my body probably wouldn’t have taken it, and I would’ve just stayed in bed. This is the weirdest shaped piece ever!! How does this even remotely look like it should fit in my life. I bet someone else is missing it from theirs. Here, You can have it back.
Had I known that one day, I would be doing a test that involved me holding perfectly still in a big tube for over 2 hours, I would’ve laughed in your face. If you know me well, you know that I don’t /*can’t* sit still that long….ever! I’m constantly adjusting my position, getting up to walk around, or anything but sitting still. So yeah, I would’ve laughed. This piece doesn’t fit (at least not on my picture).
Had I known that the words ‘brain tumor’, ‘epilepsy’, ‘Lymes’, ‘MRI’, ‘syncopal convulsions’, or any such words would have been thrown my way this year, I would’ve cowered under my bed in fear. Those are not words a 20-some girl wants to hear. (thankfully, the worst of these are not the case! Praise the Lord!) Whew! I was right on this one. Well, kinda….But why is God giving me an unsolvable piece? A piece not even the Drs. have a name or a place for?
I’m not necessarily saying this for pity. I’m getting to my point here, I promise… slowly but surely. God has taught me so much this past year. He taught me so much about trust. It’s still not all learned, but the peace I had through this whole experience was amazing!! Ok, God, I don’t even know what to do, anymore. Take these wasted, ruin pieces that I tried to fit in myself, and use them to create the picture you want.
Times that I would be laying there, doing tests, or sitting just waiting on the Dr., the peace that filled my heart was un-explainable. There was a calm within myself that is so unlike me (dramatic, worry-filled me…I’m getting teary-eyed as I write this) I remember specifically a time where nights were especially hard for me, I shared with some ladies what I was going through. That night, I didn’t really get to sleep much quicker but the peace I had as I lay there was unreal. I believe it was because of the prayer they had over me, as well as any continuous prayers that were being sent up. I’m convinced the reason I’ve had no more serious episodes for 10 wks and counting is because God works miracles when people pray. It means so much to hear you’re being prayed for. (find more on my health journey here, including the latest update)
God has been leading me on a serious journey, and one thing He’s been convicting me on, is Prayer. I’ve seen prayer work drastic things last year, not only for me, but also in other healings, miracles, etc. I’ve started a prayer journal. So far, it’s been great!! If you love to write, I highly recommend this! 🙂 It makes you think about what you are praying, as well as make you realize how many ‘filler words’ you use. I’m excited to see where God will take me on this journey of prayer!
Among other things that I wanted to do this year, I decided I’m going to try the 365 project, which is simply take a picture a day. Doing it has made me stop and think about what I can take a picture of today that I am thankful for, or just even the everyday, mundane that I take for-granted. That page is here, if you are at all interested!
So, if you can’t make any sense of all my ramblings, please take this one thought home with you….The pieces to your puzzle won’t always be easy, they won’t always seem to fit, sometimes they don’t even seem to be part of your life picture, but rather should be someone else’s. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, first from God, then the prayers and support of others. Allow God to use you where He has placed you (another hard lesson I’m working on learning), and He will begin to create the most beautiful picture. It will be the most beautiful picture because it is YOURS and GOD’S! Don’t give up, don’t give in, keep serving God, and the pieces of your puzzle will literally FALL into the right place. (Ok, there’s my sermon for the week. Oops!) 🙂
(words of a song, that jumped out at me one night, when I was at a very emotional point. Thank-you for all your support and prayers! It seems like thank-you is not enough, but it’s all I got!)
‘Cause what is trust…..until it’s proven true? -Joseph Habedank